somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
