The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
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He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?