I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
