I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
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We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
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Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.