There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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