I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The air was thick with penises
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
