where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
