just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
