Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
