when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
