someone threw a dead crab at me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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