i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
