Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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