I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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