there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
