Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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