it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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