everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
