I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
