Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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