u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
