Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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