wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
