she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
