I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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