I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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