The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
