so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
