Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
