Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
