He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
