I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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