What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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