You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
