the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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