Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
