I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
