and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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