the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
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Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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