"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
