Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
