Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
