Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
