Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So squirting runs in the family.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
