theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sext me about skeletons
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
