I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
