And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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