Just fell off a train. Bad.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
