Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
