I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
