Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.