this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
