I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.