How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
