I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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