# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Mom said you looked used
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
