Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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