3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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