i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
