none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
