my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
