how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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