I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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