I puked a lego.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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